interesting enough
is a dream of bellies turning into hands and feet, faces and personalities, and landing in my folded arms attached to a body screaming "I never thought it could happen to me"

frustrating enough
is reaching out in concern to a cry against loneliness only to be accused of not caring enough about anything else. I will not ask for forgiveness for caring, but scoff at your attempt to tell me I don't.
let me elaborate:
here I find sadness in a time of beauty. I wish to write my inner self and I am disturbed when part of what I feel, is this sickening loss. it has nothing to do with all the people telling me over and over how you've changed, it's the voice inside worried that its finally gone to far, and has nailed the barrel closed and bobbed its way over the falls. crash landing. quiet as anything, but cannot stop me from cringing loudly. and I know you wont hear me. There's no such thing as a "better" us, or "worse", we just are. and I will sit my silent words in a place that tells you, with out worrying if you understand. they'll be there, for when your in need of them. thought I was disappointed, but not in you, just in possibilities. but what do I always say about assumptions and expectations.. and perhaps even, dreams. I put us to rest then. until maybe.

amazingly enough
is a feeling of strength in the constant change. empowered by tomorrow and fueled by today in a never-ending arrangement and agreement to something not repeated.
against this pale blue, my red hands create another something of everything. another piece of the puzzle that doesn't quite fit, but it gets me closer to the one that does. and soon, I will find where that piece belongs... and the picture will be clear.

I am here to learn.

while for many of my age the first year of college is wrapping up and will be tied off with a spring then summer break, I'm patting myself on the back for completing half of my higher education. in about ten minutes i will have been here for 3 quarters, completing projects, learning technique, mastering design programs and solving visual problems. i'm half way thorough.

i finished feeling complete. and surprisingly, majorly proud. i always manage to pull it together in the end. i dont like to not finish. and i hate to lower my gpa. some measure of my own progress? well anyhow, here i'll take a week to pack up and move, then get right back at it. because it's never too soon to get back at it. and becides, look out december, i'm coming to graduate for christmas.

weird.

uncertanty settles in to my grey cloud i thought had gone away
but it huddles there
after trying to decorate my egg before it was hatched
i've realized i'd better be aware of what life might come
putting down the paint brush
and studing the canvas
i see another lesson is learned
'clouds may cover the sunshine
but they cannot banish the sun'
and thus i shine

struggling in silence
cant bring myself to comment
falling into wonder
straight into puddles of heart tears
from friendships on hold
i dont know how to handle it
i cannot pass your test
its not funny to me
and you know it
but you push it in my face
i do not know this war cry
so i play dead until its over

fill out my pants
charge my phone in my car
answer the phone is stupid tones
avoided confrontation
i didn't mean to forget
want to go back and apologize
want to savor the hope
of family love

we can die young
we can live in drama
we can hurt ourselves
we can move on
we can grow
we can be a better us

i accept that i can not walk all paths
i accept not all paths will entwine with mine
i choose my path
i choose life
today i am grateful
tomorrow, too

im attepting to scrape some sence
onto a canvas more complicated than the lead chips on it

adore the rain
feel the thunder
rumbles my axels
shakes up my heart
beautiful

there's something in the way it pours
washes away the day
covers the filth in its pure necessity
i am inspired all over again
fufilled

dreamt of dancing
wet and cold
under the grey
mixed up in the in between
welling up in content
releasing like the clouds
each one matters

doesn't take long to switch my mood
eyes itching from approaching tears
tired of growing up
tired of transitions
tired of not having girlfriends

maybe i just dont know how to be happy for people
but alas, i shall not trouble my mind anymore
for my love called
and we all know its too late for jenni to be thinking

i need more sleep
but if refuse to end a day without seeing into my loves eyes
if i dont have to

well, here he arrives,
kleenex, warmth, and dreamland come with
my savior my realist

still no word from my love
but there's still 35 minutes until he's free from the boss' eye
what did i say before, pride myself on patience?

it was a beautiful day to visit the barn
drove with my windows all the way down
music out the windows with my worries

thought about a drive i once took this way
not to the barn, but past it
getting comfortable in someone's new car
but those comfortable days have long since past
we've changed, we've grown
but, like the wind, no worries

but it was a beautiful day to drive
i swarmed myself with goosebumps
at the thought of my loren
smiled to the sun in anxiousness
to drive out this way with him some night
show him the stars the country has to offer

i send my love and peace to the lives of my friends and acquaintances
even when sometimes i do not understand

here's a good cookie:
Talk does not cook rice.

so do and enjoy

spent the night preparing for today,
at least i wont have to do it tuesday night
an open night (for once)
open enough for taxes
waiting for comments to be shot down
in frusterated competition
we do as we feel we must
and i take pride in patience

never mind such blah blah blahs
there i stood, in my worn out jeans
and was declared you're cute companion
"prettier than your picture"
i take the compliment in smiles
and a handful or two of thanks
surely you are, however, our cuter half
with long strides
and a warm hand to hold mine
i wouldn't give up moments like this for anything

but here again,
my writing becomes mush in light of you
for i am speechless and in love
and have no foundation other than that,
to rest my happy dreams
theres something in the way you're with me
i just want to write my honesty,
but unfortunately in these common phrases,
i cannot find all my love for you
you're loves too unique to describe amongst these words
but i struggle to find them anyhow

i pray these words travel safely to your heart
without the misguided, misunderstood perception of others
let them take what they will
i'm confident, my dream will reach you
and maybe, baby, sometime soon

i tried to hide my tears from you,
but you cared enough to push me into them
i dont exactly know what it was that i let go
but in a flash: i felt different.

i lied awake, looking only though my eyes
exposed in your hands, too late to erase words
but i just watch, from three feet away
aching to hear whats in your mind

putting up with
more than i could handle
only because of a stronger bond
giving my strength, losing my control
but awakened into my limit

i was angry over certain things,
(admittingly stupid)
it still sounds harsh when you say it
but you're honesty is honestly appreciated
and i am better because of it

i know my home
was there i found cumfort after temporary distress
and i was, again, beautifully reminded,
that i have love,
in my family
and in my man

how could i have misplaced that?
well, on-ward, forward with life,
what a beautiful, drizzly kind of day

"apparently, i live for drama"
i wrote, huddled on the floor in usual contemplation
next to a warm bed, under snoring
trying to write without my glasses, (in the dark)
i shouldn't think in the middle of the night
only leads me to remember criticisms i once took to heart
(especially the breaking of others')
but its too late to seriously analyze
cuz i fell for drama once
all those games, and all the lies left us both losers
in out gone
"i best to back to bed"
i wrote, and dreamed into a much better world,
awaking to my reality.. into the eyes of my inspiration
then my love, my savior,
wrapped me up, read my words, and sent them off into what doesn't matter, right where they belong

little booze and sticky shoes
balls and pins
and X to mark a job well done
i supervise the store instead and
miss my man on my favorite day
but i am blessed in his everyday presence
and thus cannot complain.

tears i've cried
have been of nothing more than momentary distress,
which quickly passes in my love's eyes
i work and learn and share this life
and what a beautiful surprise

almost captured wildlife
but it moved to fast from my view
meeting my friends for lunch
admitting new adventures
jealous of a bond

I had a best girl friend once.
a few actually.
in the end I never fought enough
but perhaps the other females of my kind and I are just meant to be at peace
nothing deeper, nothing grown up

I view myself, sometimes with an evil eye, but when I'm feeling loved, I'm confused by my lack of female pal
maybe I should wear more makeup
care about my hair and clothes
shop more, be crazier for boys
get out of my photographer world
and into bigger boobs

but what good is a friend
unless you're yourself?
well so, back to my boys
I've still more to learn from them
and they get over stuff
and don't care if I don't wear makeup
but I bet they wouldn't mind if I got into bigger boobs

If you can't get enthusiastic about your work, it's time to get alarmed--something is wrong. Compete with yourself; set your teeth and dive into the job of breaking your own record. No one keeps up their enthusiasm automatically. Enthusiasm must be nourished with new actions, new aspirations, new efforts, new vision. It is a person's own fault if enthusiasm is gone; they have failed to feed it. If you want to turn your hours into minutes, renew your enthusiasm."
-- Papyrus


Ouch.
Haven't I suffered enough these hours.
My sick disappointment of self motivation.
I signed up to have you send inspirational quotes. To motivate.
And here I find a real reminder.
Words that really hit home.
Twice. Once from you, another from my spitting image.
Ouch.
Truth hurts.
Today, self acceptance and realization hurts more.

sometimes my nails are really pretty
good solid white ends and cresent moons hand models dream about
and when my fingers are cold they contract and are thin making my rings almost too big.
a body.
my own.
a, vessel for my energy.
to experience to be inspried.
this morning over breakfast, i watched an old woman eat her toast without teeth. wrinkles had claimed her every feature, and she spoke silently to herself over coffee. i wondered where she'd been.
a life.
my own.
a chance for my energy
to shine to dance.
the snow jets down and i watch the light flicker on the floor. its a cold image, contrasting to the warmth of fire light on your face. Something new, something familiar. Happy five. Now I hide my chin, to kiss yours.
a love.
my own.
a chance for my energy
to love to recieve.

think i should post my dreams.
maybe someone could figure them out.


they're weird.